my biggest insecurity

This past week I have been feeling on edge and moody. A random little thing could trigger a mental breakdown. I don't know if it's because we're in self-isolation and it sucks. Or I'm stressed about my family and have been avoiding talking to them.

My family has been on my mind a lot lately. I grew up in a typical working-class family in Hanoi, Vietnam. We had always lived in a two-bedroom apartment. Even though they were just normal workers and earned a modest salary, they did everything to send my brother and I to the best schools. Even if it means they had to take a loan to buy us a spot in an out-of-zone school that is an hour drive every day (or three hours during peak hours). They wanted the best for us. Then mum got cancer and fought a painful battle for three long years. She had to quit her job so dad became the sole breadwinner. He worked long hours, drank a lot, passed out straight away when he came home, and repeated the next day. My brother escaped in computer games and always kept to himself. I was too young to understand what a dark time it was for our family, but old enough to feel all of the heaviness.

Things slowly got better. Mum recovered and started to work again. She did really well for a few years. We were able to live a more comfortable life again. But then dad lost his job just before I started high school. Mum was adamant about sending me to this newly opened private school because it would help with my dream of studying abroad. So even though we couldn't afford the tuition and everything, she made it work. She made a deal with the school's CEO. She would reach out to everyone and do the selling to recruit more students for the school. For every student she recruited, she would reduce my tuition by 10%. She hustled hard for my education. I was grateful for the opportunity but was miserable at school. Surrounded me were all these rich kids whose lives felt so distant to me. I made some really good friends, but I never felt like I belonged there. The first time my dad dropped me off at the bus stop in the morning, my friends asked if my dad was my driver. I had never felt so embarrassed in my life. I didn't let him take me to the bus stop anymore and rather walked. He didn't know what happened until mum told him. My heart still sinks every time I think about this memory because I know he must have felt so hurt knowing that I was ashamed of him.

Fast forward ten years and I'm living my childhood dream of living abroad. I have a great job with a stable income and have been with my partner for six years. Yet, I still felt like that teenage girl back in the day feeling embarrassed about her parents because they're not rich. Mum and dad are both in their mid-60s, unemployed and receive no pension. Mum has stopped working since the start of the pandemic. So they were living on my dad's salary as a postman for the past couple of years. Until he got laid off just before the end of last year. They sold their house years ago to send me to New Zealand so they have no permanent home. Renting is so much harder when you’re older. You feel so hopeless because time is running out for you. They have been worried sick about how to get by every day. Life has been everything but stability. Mum hasn't slept for a while. But they never openly bring up their worries and ask for help. They don’t want to be a burden to my brother and I. But when they were desperate and had to ask me for some money out of nowhere, I got all stressed out and held all these resentments towards my family.

My insecurity about my family grew bigger. It has been eating me alive. I felt so lonely in this sadness because I didn't dare to share this with anyone. But today when I was in the shower reflecting on my last therapy session and remembered what my therapist told me, I decided to have an open conversation with my parents and brother. I told them about the resentment I had for my brother for letting me be the sole financial supporter for my parents for the past few years even though I know he's struggling with a small family of his own. I shared about the pressure I felt from all these expectations that my parents had on me. My parents opened up about their anxiety and feeling of hopelessness. My brother offered to share the financial support for my parents to the best of his ability. We all listened to each other with empathy. The situation didn’t get better just because we talked about it. But it brings hope to everyone because we know we have each other's back. I never felt so proud of my family.

For the first time, I opened up about my family situation with George and Tina (my soul sis) too. I didn’t hold back any detail. I let them know everything. I never told anyone about this to the full extent before. But being able to let it out today felt so liberating. I had this deep down fear that people would leave me if they knew I carry such big baggage. Not only did George not run away, but he also offered his support. That really touched me. He realised that was what had been making me so grumpy and moody. He showed his empathy and compassion towards me, and I never felt so loved and understood. The big cloud of loneliness that had lived within me dissipated and I was filled with gratitude. I know I could count on this man. I know he will be there for me when I hit rock bottom. And because of that, I know he’s a keeper. He said his mum would feel proud of me too. And that made me really happy. I was afraid Sheryl would think poorly of me, and want George to find a less complicated partner. But the fact that George think his mum would be proud of me made me feel like I’m worthy. That I’m doing the right thing and I should be proud of who I am.